Crown and Covenant Coffee & Tea

There are things that bother me sometimes, and I can’t immediately explain why.

So I sit with them.

I pray about them.

I take them back to Scripture and ask God to straighten out my thinking.

Lately, I’ve been wrestling with desire.

Not sinful desires, necessarily.

I’m talking about the good things we desperately want.

A child. A marriage. Healing. Financial security. A successful business. A restored relationship. A dream we’ve carried for years.

There’s nothing wrong with bringing those desires to God.

But I’ve started wondering:

When does desire become control?

What If God’s Answer Isn’t Mine?

It’s easy to say, “I trust God,” when His plans look like mine.

But what happens when they don’t?

What happens when the answer is no?

Or wait?

Or the one I probably struggle with most:

Not this way.

Proverbs tells us:

«”Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him.”

— Proverbs 3:5–6 (NIV)»

There’s a word in there I can’t get around.

Submit.

Not convince.

Not negotiate.

Not present God with my carefully constructed plan and ask Him to sign at the bottom.

Submit.

And that’s where this gets uncomfortable for me.

Because sometimes I wonder whether I’m really asking God for His will—or asking Him to bless mine.

Jesus Wanted Something Too

I keep coming back to Jesus in Gethsemane.

Knowing what was ahead of Him, Jesus prayed:

«”Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

— Luke 22:42 (NIV)»

Jesus expressed what He wanted.

That’s important to me.

Surrender didn’t mean pretending He had no desire.

It meant that after expressing that desire, He placed it beneath the Father’s will.

“Not my will, but yours.”

Those words are easy to read.

They’re much harder to pray when there’s something I desperately want sitting on the other side of them.

Maybe That’s the Real Test

Maybe trust isn’t proven when God gives me what I’ve prayed for.

Maybe sometimes trust is proven by what I do when He doesn’t.

Do I wait?

Do I still believe He’s good?

Do I keep seeking Him?

Or do I start looking for another way to make the outcome happen?

That’s the question that’s been bothering me.

Because there can be a very fine line between pursuing something faithfully and trying to control something I’ve supposedly surrendered to God.

And I’m not always sure I know when I’ve crossed it.

That’s why I need Scripture more than I need my feelings.

Jesus said:

«”But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness.”

— Matthew 6:33 (NIV)»

His Kingdom first.

Before my plans.

Before my timeline.

Before my dreams.

Before the future I’ve already written in my head.

Even before the good things I desperately want.

A Mirror, Not a Stone

I’m not writing this because I’ve figured out surrender.

I’m writing it because I’m wrestling with it.

This isn’t about looking around and deciding who else needs to surrender something to God.

It’s about looking in the mirror and asking:

Have I?

Have I really given God my plans if I’ll only accept the answer I want?

Can I still trust Him when His timing makes no sense to me?

Can I believe He’s good when the door stays closed?

Can I hear “not this way” and still follow Him?

I don’t have neat answers.

But maybe that’s okay.

Maybe sometimes faith looks like bringing the thing I desperately want before God with open hands and praying the same difficult prayer Jesus prayed:

“Not my will, but Yours.”

And meaning it.

No stones.

Just a mirror, an open Bible, and a question worth wrestling with.